Thursday, 6 October 2011

Odd Jobs

Am I the only person who thinks that possibly the hysteria regarding the death of Apple Co-Founder Steve Jobs has perhaps been overdone just slightly? Sure, the man created a much cooler walkman, introduced the word 'clickwheel' to our vocabularies, had a really good crack at bringing back sneans and turtlenecks, and a few other interesting things (like changing the way people in the richer parts of the world live as well as revolutionising several of the largest industries in the world), but does that really make him a 'hero', does he really deserve personal acclaim from world leaders like Barrack Obama and (snigger) Julia Gillard?

I have compiled a list of three people who also passed away this year, who received nowhere near as much acclaim or attention who I believe deserve it more. Feel free to add any overlooked names in the comments section.

1. Fred Shuttleworth


"Who the fuck is that?" I hear you ask. The good Reverand Fred Shuttleworth was an African-American minister and civil rights activist who was instrumental in fighting racism and segregation in Alabama in the 50's and 60's. Thats right, redneck-central Alabama. Being black in Alabama in the 50's was worse than being a ranga in high school or being in Medlin House if you went to Pembroke, it meant that really bad shit happened to you all the time, because people could get away with it. And thats even if you kept your head down. Which did not happen to be the way Shuttleworth went about his business.

Shuttleworth stared those bedsheet-toting whiteboy clanners in the eye and said some badass stuff which has been the inspiration for most of Samuel L. Jackson's best lines ever since. He was the first to try and enrol his children in an all-white school, which resulted in him getting beaten with chains while his wife was stabbed. After dusting himself off and checking his wife was still as hard-core as him, he proceeded to survive another assassination attempt the following year, this time in the form of a bomb.

Now most people would have taken the point by now, but Shuttleworth was just getting started, and went on to organise a pretty epic event now known as the Freedom Rides, where a bunch of top lads and lasses rode buses through the Southern States in support of ending racial discrimination. Despite being firebombed and getting the shit beaten out of them (some of the attacks were organised by the local police department), they kept on going. True heroes. To top it all off, Shuttleworth counted among his mates Dr Martin Luther King Jr, Robert Kennedy and Bill Clinton as well as being awarded the Presidential Citizens Medal (Kind of like the brownlow for top blokes) and had an Airport renamed after him. Well played sir.

2. Warren Christopher


Probably another unknown name for my standard demographic, I like to think of Warren Christopher as the Diplomats Rambo. While Sylvester Stallones' character is undoubtedly ridiculously good at securing 'peaceful resolutions' with the aid of a bowie knife, sweaty bandana and his trusty C4-tipped crossbow bolts, Christopher did his best work with a handshake, good eye-contact and his favourite ballpoint. 

Christophers' first big win came from his work with the Independent Commission on the Las Angeles Police Department. Unfortunately for him, taking the chairmanshihp in 1991 meant he was in the box-seat for the Rodney King riots in 1992. For those of you unfamiliar with the joys of wanton destruction, the Rodney King riots were sparked after RK himself was tasered, kicked in the head and beaten with batons for a prolonged period (after he lost consciousness) by police during the course of his arrest. The whole thing was caught on amateur footage, and the arresting officers were charged, but nevertheless all of the police involved were acquitted.

This led to a city-wide riot which puts the tracksuit wearing 'chavs' (whom my British friends tell me were to blame) in London to shame. After the National Guard (thats blokes with automatic weapons) failed to quell the rioting, the regular Army (better trained blokes with guns) were brought in, followed by the US Marines (who reportedly have basilisk style powers and can kill someone by looking at them). Finally they shot 10 people, which brought the death toll to 53 and the damage bill to around about $1billion (thats nine zeroes for those of you playing at home). To wrap up, Christopher came up with lots of great ideas that everyone loved, which got him promoted to secretary of state.

While Secretary of State, he orchestrated the OSLO Accords which basically got Palestine to recognise Israels' right to exist, and got Israel to agree to let the Palestinians do a little governing of their own. Thats almost like getting the one of the Gallagher brothers to say that they were wrong, and the other brother was more talented all along. He also got Jordan to sign a peace treaty as well.

After Jedi-mind-fucking the middle East into submission, Christopher went on to negotiate the Dayton Agreement, which put an end to the Bosnian War by making the Presidents of Serbia, Bosnia and Croatia agree on something. Keep in mind this is the same conflict which pushed Owen Wilson to his absolute limit, and he's both helped blow up a world-killing asteroid and survived making a movie with Eddie Murphy, which normally brings about the end of an actors career.

3. Heidi


Heidi was an Opossum who lived in the Liepzig Zoo in Germany, who rocketed to fame because she was cute. Heidi is particularly awsome because she was famous even though she had to compete with other German favourites like Knut the Polar Bear, and Paul the 'world cup oracle' Octopus. Not to be outdone, Heidi turned down an offer to appear at the 83rd Academy Awards and instead appeared on Jimmy Kimmel live in an attempt to unseat Paul as the resident psychic animal. Out of four predictions, Heidi only missed one, that being Best Film, when she chose 127 Hours over The Kings Speech. Clearly Heidi was robbed, as a bloke cutting his arm off with his manliness is a way better story than than a rich kid with a stutter. At the time of her death, Heidi had a youtube song And a stuffed-toy selection, so she was well up on Rebecca Black.

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