Odd Jobs

Am I the only person who thinks that possibly the hysteria regarding the death of Apple Co-Founder Steve Jobs has perhaps been overdone just slightly? Sure, the man created a much cooler walkman, introduced the word 'clickwheel' to our vocabularies, had a really good crack at bringing back sneans and turtlenecks, and a few other interesting things (like changing the way people in the richer parts of the world live as well as revolutionising several of the largest industries in the world), but does that really make him a 'hero', does he really deserve personal acclaim from world leaders like Barrack Obama and (snigger) Julia Gillard?

I have compiled a list of three people who also passed away this year, who received nowhere near as much acclaim or attention who I believe deserve it more. Feel free to add any overlooked names in the comments section.

1. Fred Shuttleworth

"Who the fuck is that?" I hear you ask. The good Reverand Fred Shuttleworth was an African-American minister and civil rights activist who was instrumental in fighting racism and segregation in Alabama in the 50's and 60's. Thats right, redneck-central Alabama. Being black in Alabama in the 50's was worse than being a ranga in high school or being in Medlin House if you went to Pembroke, it meant that really bad shit happened to you all the time, because people could get away with it. And thats even if you kept your head down. Which did not happen to be the way Shuttleworth went about his business.

Shuttleworth stared those bedsheet-toting whiteboy clanners in the eye and said some badass stuff which has been the inspiration for most of Samuel L. Jackson's best lines ever since. He was the first to try and enrol his children in an all-white school, which resulted in him getting beaten with chains while his wife was stabbed. After dusting himself off and checking his wife was still as hard-core as him, he proceeded to survive another assassination attempt the following year, this time in the form of a bomb.

Now most people would have taken the point by now, but Shuttleworth was just getting started, and went on to organise a pretty epic event now known as the Freedom Rides, where a bunch of top lads and lasses rode buses through the Southern States in support of ending racial discrimination. Despite being firebombed and getting the shit beaten out of them (some of the attacks were organised by the local police department), they kept on going. True heroes. To top it all off, Shuttleworth counted among his mates Dr Martin Luther King Jr, Robert Kennedy and Bill Clinton as well as being awarded the Presidential Citizens Medal (Kind of like the brownlow for top blokes) and had an Airport renamed after him. Well played sir.

2. Warren Christopher

Probably another unknown name for my standard demographic, I like to think of Warren Christopher as the Diplomats Rambo. While Sylvester Stallones' character is undoubtedly ridiculously good at securing 'peaceful resolutions' with the aid of a bowie knife, sweaty bandana and his trusty C4-tipped crossbow bolts, Christopher did his best work with a handshake, good eye-contact and his favourite ballpoint. 

Christophers' first big win came from his work with the Independent Commission on the Las Angeles Police Department. Unfortunately for him, taking the chairmanshihp in 1991 meant he was in the box-seat for the Rodney King riots in 1992. For those of you unfamiliar with the joys of wanton destruction, the Rodney King riots were sparked after RK himself was tasered, kicked in the head and beaten with batons for a prolonged period (after he lost consciousness) by police during the course of his arrest. The whole thing was caught on amateur footage, and the arresting officers were charged, but nevertheless all of the police involved were acquitted.

This led to a city-wide riot which puts the tracksuit wearing 'chavs' (whom my British friends tell me were to blame) in London to shame. After the National Guard (thats blokes with automatic weapons) failed to quell the rioting, the regular Army (better trained blokes with guns) were brought in, followed by the US Marines (who reportedly have basilisk style powers and can kill someone by looking at them). Finally they shot 10 people, which brought the death toll to 53 and the damage bill to around about $1billion (thats nine zeroes for those of you playing at home). To wrap up, Christopher came up with lots of great ideas that everyone loved, which got him promoted to secretary of state.

While Secretary of State, he orchestrated the OSLO Accords which basically got Palestine to recognise Israels' right to exist, and got Israel to agree to let the Palestinians do a little governing of their own. Thats almost like getting the one of the Gallagher brothers to say that they were wrong, and the other brother was more talented all along. He also got Jordan to sign a peace treaty as well.

After Jedi-mind-fucking the middle East into submission, Christopher went on to negotiate the Dayton Agreement, which put an end to the Bosnian War by making the Presidents of Serbia, Bosnia and Croatia agree on something. Keep in mind this is the same conflict which pushed Owen Wilson to his absolute limit, and he's both helped blow up a world-killing asteroid and survived making a movie with Eddie Murphy, which normally brings about the end of an actors career.

3. Heidi

Heidi was an Opossum who lived in the Liepzig Zoo in Germany, who rocketed to fame because she was cute. Heidi is particularly awsome because she was famous even though she had to compete with other German favourites like Knut the Polar Bear, and Paul the 'world cup oracle' Octopus. Not to be outdone, Heidi turned down an offer to appear at the 83rd Academy Awards and instead appeared on Jimmy Kimmel live in an attempt to unseat Paul as the resident psychic animal. Out of four predictions, Heidi only missed one, that being Best Film, when she chose 127 Hours over The Kings Speech. Clearly Heidi was robbed, as a bloke cutting his arm off with his manliness is a way better story than than a rich kid with a stutter. At the time of her death, Heidi had a youtube song And a stuffed-toy selection, so she was well up on Rebecca Black.

The Gospel According to...

Argentina. Belgium. Canada. Iceland. The Netherlands. Norway. Portugal. Spain. South Africa. Sweden. As well as being a list of nations who could easily give Matthew Primus tips about how to put together a quality 22-man AFL team, these 10 nations also fully embrace marriage equality.

Lets talk about South Africa. South Africa still operated under some form of apartheid as recently as 1994, and Australia joined many other western-nations decrying the gross injustices and inequalities that resulted from it. However South Africa turned itself around, held democratic elections and now have a socially inclusive constitution that appears to be more solid than the desk Mike Rann nailed Michelle Chantelois on. Australia, on the other hand, have done bugger-all.

Now lets take a look at Penny Wong. It would be wrong of me to suggest that she's a woman and therefore not as capable as a man, because that would be sexist. It would also be wrong of me to suggest that because she has Asian heritage she is in anyway inferior to me, because that would be racist. But apparently it's fine for me to say that she's not capable of entering into a marriage. Why is this so?

Last week an anti-equality rally was held in Canberra. How embarrassing. Bob Katter allowed himself to be seen even more of a wanker when he stated the idea of same sex marriages "deserves to be laughed at and ridiculed". Well Bob, most people think the same about your hat you fucking moron!

Also addressing the 500 homophobes at the rally, was Rebecca Hagelin, an American 'conservative commentator' (read: redneck). She provided even more intelligent and thoughtful insight when she said there was "no greater evil" than those who proposed to legalise gay marriage. Has she never heard of Idi Amin, Anders Breivik or A Current Affair?


Don't get me wrong, here at ThanksGibbings I believe everyone has the right to an opinion, especially on divisive issues. But I am yet to hear a logical, well presented argument against marriage-equality that doesn't have it's foundations in the Bible.

So a few messages to our Party leaders:

Julia - Get your well-endowed arse off that fence you've been sitting on and do something!

Tony - Unless you're gonna whip them out at Mardi-Gras, put the budgiesmugglers away, put religion on hold for a second and apply pressure for a conscience vote. Then give me the mobile numbers of your daughters. They can't be yours surely!

Bob - Good work on forwarding the marriage-equality thing. But you're still a massive twat.

That is all.

Eagle-Eye

Recently, a close mate of mine was attacked in an attempted robbery on a Saturday night. Four guys approached him as he was walking through Adelaide University, followed him through the grounds and assaulted him in the middle of North Terrace. He ended up with a broken leg requiring multiple surgeries, a broken nose requiring surgery, multiple bruises and lacerations and a torn T-Shirt. Shocker of a night. He loved that T-Shirt.

The thing that really pissed me off about this was that none of the guys were ever caught. How is it that a brutal assault such as this one can occur in the middle of North Terrace and the guys can just disappear? Fact – Britain has well over 4 Million CCTV cameras watching the citizens. Adelaide police have access to about 700 in the CBD according to an article in the Advertiser. (I admit the ‘tiser is possibly the worst way to get your news unless you’re still using the message-in-a-bottle system.)

Number of members Port Adelaide will have next year. Number of times Julia Gillard mentions ‘working families’ or ‘moving forward’ in a policy speech. Number of times that bloody mature age student puts his hand up to argue in a lecture. These are all things we accept quite readily make sense when combined with the number 700. Clearly, unless you’re King Leonidis (in which case 700 would be far too many and detract from the glory of your conquest) 700 is not enough.

Now I know this can be a touchy issue, as many people think the government will go all “Big Brother” on them and monitor their every move. I was actually in a tute in my first year of Uni when a bloke complained about this. Obviously he had just read some George Orwell and took it very seriously indeed. What I should have said is; “I’ve got news for you buddy; the government doesn’t give a shit about monitoring you and your art student buddies’ latest rally decrying the impact big business has on your poetry magazine. Now be quiet because the rest of us want to listen to you about as much as we want Christine Nixon as the buildings fire Marshall.” Unfortunately I’m not that quick in real life so I probably just muttered something to lad next to me about how I hated the dude with the filthy beard who wouldn’t shut up. But I digress.

I would happily submit to being watched if it meant dickheads like the ones who attacked my mate could be tracked by camera, or even get some half decent photos of their faces to display somewhere in public. You can’t get better than police on the beat, but Adelaide has an opportunity to shed its ‘backwater’ image and embrace technology to make our city safer.

Lost In Translation

The London riots began as a protest decrying the police shooting of 29 year-old Mark Duggan. Unfortunately, the message the original protesters were trrying to send has been lost in the senseless acts of violence and mindless criminality which have followed.

The original protesters had the potential to rally behind the image of Duggan, to make his death stand for something and perhaps even spark debate about excessively violent methods used by police, or perhaps even the inherent racism and discrimination in the British police force.

One only has to look back to Iran in 2009, and the riots following the presidential 'elections' (and I use the term loosely because they were about as one-sided as a Port Adelaide match) to see that a death can become a powerful figure in anti-government protests.

Described as "probably the most widely witnessed death in human history", the shooting death of 26 year-old Neda Agha-Soltan was captured on amateur video and became the defining image of the Iranian peoples struggle against the brutal regime headed by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The rioters in London on the other hand have done away with any credibility they may have had by instead focusing on destruction of property, theft and random acts of violence. Reports have emerged of people being dragged from their cars and attacked, journalists have been beaten for taking photos, and private residences have been torched.

The above photos depict the aftermath of the London Terrorist attacks in 2005 (left), and the London Riots of 2011 (right). Although no lives have been lost in the riots so far, it is unclear which set of events left the people of London feeling more afraid.

Where's The Fun?

Remember going to school as a little kid and climbing trees with your mates? Well there's a whole generation of Aussie kids who who won't. Apparently tree-climbing has joined the ever-growing blacklist of things we're not supposed to do anymore. Tree climbing in schools is being outlawed across the nation as school boards and principals living in fear of a crippling lawsuit try to avoid injuries. The rationale behind this measure is of course the safety of young kids, but isn't it going a bit far?

I always thought the best part of being a kid was doing all the fun kid things. If it rained; "Fuck It, lets slide in the mud. Mum can wash my clothes later!". Cut yourself on some rusty metal while building a fort; "Chuck a band aid on it and pass me that hammer!" Childhood is great because kids dont understand the ramifactions of those actions, and live fearless lives because of it. Kids dont worry about getting sick in the rain, because puddles are awesome! Kids never worry about blood-poisoning because the concept is about as foreign to them as a Casey Donovan hit single is to the rest of us. It's not gonna happen so you just dont think of it.

Many people these days are decrying the amount of time kids spend playing violent video games, but these same people send the kids outside with strict instructions not to do anything remotely fun, lest they get hurt. Kids these days walk outside feeling about as nervous as a girlscout selling cookies who accidentally knocks on Bernie Finnigans frontdoor.

I spent a lot of my childhood on a small farm, and my parents were much happier if i was out climbing trees than sitting in the front of the telly. Every now and then me or a mate might take a bit of a tumble, but as long as we didnt end up looking like Rihanna after Chris Brown was finished with her, things were ok! We quickly learned that we shouldnt be afraid of falling down, and that taking risks was part of life. I sincerely hope we dont end up with an entire generation of little lads and lasses who are scared of doing adventurous things, not because of past-experiences, but because they have learned from their parents and their schools that they can be dangerous.

So parents, unless your last name is Winehouse, let your kids run wild! Allow them to do the things that you did when you were younger, allow them to make mistakes, to get hurt, to discover new things. Allow your kids to learn from these experiences, and watch them rediscover fun!